I had one in the beginning. I loved her. I still do. Maybe, I always will.

She was my first. My first true trust, my first love. My first acceptance.

She betrayed me. As simple as a few words, she put an arrow through my heart.

I thought I was free of her then. My heart still bound, I chose to move on.

I met another. I took a risk. I cared for her. Then, the first came back.

She wanted me again. Asked me to return, to betray another for her.

How was I to make that choice? Any decision I made would hurt one of them.

I never could hurt them. Even if I tried, I never could.

I flit between them. I stay there, hurting one by going to see the other, and then having to leave again.

I’m pathetic.

But I notice something, caught between them.

Either way, I need to pretend to be who I am not.

Strong, I pretend. Uncaring, distant to both.

I can’t show either how I feel anymore. It has been years since tears touched these cheeks from emotion.

Until recently. She made my cry. Emotion, longing to simply let go, writhes inside.

And I’ll never be able to decide it.

Each one cares for me, more than I can know. I care for both, more than either will ever know.

Now, as I lie here, I feel it. My first grows cold, colder each day.

And I grow numb from it.

I know My decision, long before I ever speak it.

My honor. My pride.

It’s all I have left. I’ll be happy again someday. Maybe I’ll show her who I really am someday.

Maybe she won’t betray me.

I couldn’t take it.

Not again.

Not while I’m still numb.